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I Can See Clearly Now

I’ve always told people “I have a blind eye” which technically I do. Although, to your naked eye, you would never be able to tell. However, at times…it is two different colors. It’s like I have 2 different mood rings on my face.

When I was around 1st or 2nd grade I went in for those lovely eye tests at school and it was discovered I was lazy. Errr, I mean that I had a lazy eye.

It was then I found out I could barely see the big E on the screen.

YIKES!

I went had a bunch of tests done and it was then I was diagnosed with a condition called Toxoplasmosis. I guess it happened when my mother was pregnant with me. I was the youngest out of 8 children and by then my mother was (and still is) one very tough woman. She was a farming wife and mother and she probably caught the flu and didn’t take care of herself and the virus attacked my eye. No fault of her own, she never knew. The parasite is often found in meat, goats milk and cat feces. We had goats milk, so that was probably the cause.

By the way, have you ever had goats milk? GROSS! My mom used to try to hide it in an old regular milk container and pretend it was regular milk. UM, like I was supposed to not realize it was cows milk. BIG difference.

I hated it.

And I hated my eye.

I thought my bad eye looked like one of those Muppet puppet eye that moved all over uncontrolled, like a google eye. I had Google on my face before Google was hit.

I avoided looking people in the eye a lot when I was younger. I was a young girl with lots of issues with my image, and knowing that I had a lazy eye, which was blind only made me more self-aware.

Anyway, so I remember at a young age thinking that I was going to get healed of my blind eye.  I was exposed to “faith healers” one day while my mom was watching Oral Roberts on TV. I would sit right in front of the TV and he would ask if anyone had any prayer requests, and if anyone needed any healing. He would walk people through how to ask for healing and I would totally believe that God would heal my eye. I would place my little 1st or little 2nd grader little hand on my eye, pray that little prayer and believe God would heal my eye.

As soon as that prayer was done I ran into the bathroom, covered up by good eye and test my faith to see if I could see out of my blind eye.

Nope. Couldn’t see out of it.

Apparently God had bigger fish to fry and bigger issues to work on than mine. So I would bounce out of the bathroom and go on my merry little way until I would hear Oral Roberts again on the TV the following week, and I would go through the motions all over again.

Faith like a Child. That’s what God wants us to do. I had it, but I wasn’t mad when God didn’t give me my sight, or when he didn’t straighten my eye, I just ran off to play.

For years I would tell people “I have a blind eye” and then people would playfully make fun of my blind eye. It was kind of my thing.  I would run into walls on the right side, I couldn’t play sports in school because the DR. wouldn’t let me due to my eye. No one would want me to play on their team in PE due to that, I have very little coordination too. I can’t catch a ball if my life depended on it. When I drive, I hug the center lane since I have very little depth perception. So, it was my thing…it has been a running joke. But that little girl inside always believed I would get healed.

Recently one day I was in church and I heard this small still voice inside me say “You did this”.

Now stay with me.

You might think I’m a little strange for saying this…but that’s what I heard.

I continued to feel and hear “words are powerful” and then I stated to feel as if I was the one that made my eye worse.  I felt as if God was telling me that all the joking around, all the speaking about my eye, making fun of the eye and accepting of the bad eye was making it worse. All I kept hearing was “words are powerful”.

I sat down right where I was at church and starting thinking. I didn’t know if it was me or God. I get that a lot.

I had a DR appointment coming up for my eye since it was getting worse. At that time I had started seeing more of a black spot when I was walking and my blind eye was getting worse, which I thought was never possible. I was thinking about what I heard, and what I believed.  Words are powerful.

How many times do I tell people that? When people are in my office I tell them to build each other up, to not focus on the negative, but the positive. To “catch” their child doing good things and not focus on the bad.Or to focus on what our spouse is doing right, not to focus on all the bad things. I’m guilty of that too.

Why would my eye be any different?

“I’m ugly”, “I’m fat”, “I’ll never be out of debt”, “I’ll never achieve my dreams”, “My blind eye”

…in the meantime my blind eye was becoming blinder. I am feeling uglier. I am becoming more in debt. I am not achieving my dreams. See where I am going? Words are powerful. I’m getting out of the world what I’m putting into the world.Are their things you are putting out there that is keeping you stuck?

About a week later I went to the specialist and I knew I had something bad going on in my eye. It was confirmed with lots of tests and months later they took out a massive cataract. Initially they didn’t want to take out. I had to talk them into taking it out. They stated it was going to destroy my eye, that it was not going to help my eye and that surgery would not do anything for it. They didn’t want to do the surgery due to my birth defect.I literally had to almost beg them to take it out. This was a year long process of asking them to take it out, all the while my eye was getting worse. I almost got to the point I couldn’t hardly drive.

I knew what God had told me, and I knew that if I started talking positively about it, believing in the best that I would be ok. I knew it would be. I insisted they take it out, they did and the results were amazing. I’m not saying that you should do that if you are in the same situation, I’m just saying that was my experience.

Words are powerful and it is in your control.

If you are in a negative situation, please start looking at how you speaking about it, how you looking at it and how others are talking about it. Change.  If you need help, there are several great books, blogs and people out there who can help you change the way you think. I get stuck thinking negatively often.

Heck if you don’t believe it, fake it until you make it. I know it sounds a little kooky. But what do you have to lose? I still think negative, talk negative and I need help ALL THE TIME.

After my epiphany, I went and looked up Joyce Meyer book Mind Connection https://www.joycemeyer.org/ProductDetail.aspx?id=008867       and that has helped with trying to keep my mind in control.

As for my eye, I can see out of it now. I truly can. It is a miracle.

What’s better than that is the lesson I learned from it.

 

Author:

Photographer, mother of 6, therapist, traveler and blogger.

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